The Plan

It’s not enough.

It’s not enough for me to simply exist, to satisfy myself, to reserve the right to only give as much as is comfortable or desirable for me. 

This is what I’ve begun to realize in the past few months. There is more we’re meant to live for—a love we’re meant to carry inside us, a love that works it’s way to the outside in an irresistible, ever greater way. 

Although I want to call myself a follower of Christ, someone who claims to believe and obey his Word, I can’t deceive myself into thinking that I understand or practice “the attitude of Christ” (Phil. 2:5) or that I truly seek to “lay down my life for others.” (1 John 3:16) 

At least, not yet. 

It’s something I’ve been desiring and contemplating for the last year, something that’s slowly awakened inside me and grown, at last, into courage and action. See, I’ve discovered the secret—well, something hidden in plain sight—that something dies inside our hearts whenevre we choose to put ourselves first. 

I’m just not satisfied being satisfied. It’s only by giving that I truly come alive. And not giving out of obligation or in measured, ‘affordable‘ ways--no, I must give in a way that costs me something, and from a heart of love.

I wish I could tell you the ways I’ve been shocked, awakened, and delighted as I’ve slowly grasped this truth. Hesitantly and sometimes resentfully, I’ve begun to press outside myself and hand off my time, my attention, and my resources to those around who have need.

And this is what it takes to find meaning in life, and to slowly transform a meaningless, un-precious existence to one that faintly reflects eternity. 

I feel unworthy to write these things, because I am still so, so far from the Great Ideal--but yet, I know I’m facing the right direction at last, and it truly is my heart and prayer that I might learn to truly lay myself aside and pour out a Love That Changes Things. 

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And so, this brings me to my plans for next year. After graduating from ‘highschool’ (well, RVC) this spring, I had every reason to be excited, confident, and comfortable. I have an amazing family, a life full of blessings, a group of amazing friends and a fantastic life group (LEAGUE!). I had worked incredibly hard and had ‘won’ a spot at my dream school, the University of Pennsylvania--an Ivy, nonetheless--and everything I had ever wanted was within my reach. 

But God had a few things up his sleeve.

Tip--when you TRULY invite God in, and ask for his heart to become your heart, he’ll always answer. And completely mess. you. up. :) 

You see, as he’s been gently awakening me to his breathtaking love, he’s also been humbling me through his Word and his Divine Standard. That is, after receiving such amazing grace, the only possible response is to bring the overflow of his Great Gift to the world in every step we take. Every word and thought and action ought to be simply dripping with the abundance and generosity we ourselves have received from Christ. And we are to spend our lives giving away our everything.

I am nowhere near such total surrender and sacrifice. And that is no longer okay with me. If I want my life to mean something--if I want to fulfill the simple but astounding calling God has placed before me--I need to drop everything and pursue Him, allowing him to show me how to embrace his most ‘lowly’ and ‘unloveable’ in this world that is brimming with unmet needs.

And in order to do that, I need to make a leap of faith--I need to forsake every blessing, every privilege, every comfort that abounds here in the USA. Although I’ve been serving in Cross Current Student Ministries and in small ways in my family, the time has come for me to ‘walk the talk’...to release myself completely, recklessly, into God’s hands and his call to servanthood. 

Through a twisted series of events that only God could have orchestrated, I have been connected with Christ the Rock Church in Wisconsin...and they are sending me with a small team to live, work, and love in a refugee camp in Algeria, North Africa.

I will be leaving the US August 6 and returning January 16, 2010. In Algeria, 

I will have the incredible honor of working in their school as a teacher, living and serving among the beautiful Saharawi people in the Sahara Desert. 

Truth be told, I am still caught off guard by the way God derailed my plans for this year. But the only place I want to be is in His will, and by committing to this leap of faith I’ve found a great peace and joy. 

I will keep running in this direction until I come to the end of myself--where it really begins.

“The only thing that matters is faith expressing itself through love.” - Galatians 5:6 

“The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Matt 20:28

“Our vocation is the love of Jesus.” Mother Theresa