New chapter

I have started a new blog...check it out, if you like! Love you all.

<3 Sarah

http://beingbeloved.blogspot.com/

Scattered thoughts (I should be packing)

Heading to the airport in just a few hours...I can hardly believe it! It's been 6 months to the day that I've been outside the US...Lived on three continents, visited 8 countries, and now, it's back to Northern Illinois. 

It really is so bitter-sweet.  There are so many people in the States that I love and can't wait to see. I'm literally giddy to think about all the reunions to come. At the same time, I'm an expat at heart, and it won't be long before the restlessness sets in again, I'm sure. 

Most difficult of all, of course, is leaving my Dad. There are so many reasons it's so hard to part from him...His mother and brother are still in critical condition, and I wish I could stay here just to support and care for him through it all...

Thanks to all of you who have expressed concern and prayed for my family, by the way. It has been so encouraging.

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What have I learned in the past six months? Have I changed? I pray to God that I have, by his grace. 

If I were to name one theme, one over-arching lesson He's taught me since I left the US on August 6...well, I have to name two. The first is that He. Is. Everything. We will never, ever adore him the way He deserves, but it is our great joy to spend every day trying. And he is very, very near. He speaks, and he is pursuing and desiring every one of our hearts. 

The second lesson I've learned is rooted in a selfish prayer I began to pray more than a year ago. John 10:10 was one of the Scriptures I'd pray daily--asking God to help me come to know the "abundant, full life" that Jesus promised. Who wouldn't want full, true life? And Jesus offered it--so I asked Him to help me receive it! 

He did. The funny thing is, I didn't realize what I was asking for--I had failed to make the connection between John 10:10 and Luke 9:24, where Jesus admonishes, "whoever clings to his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."! 

Jesus calls us to forsake ourselves--as Paul wrote, "It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me." Ah, I don't have the time or mental capital right now to describe--and if I did, words could never capture--the power of this truth, of the beauty and totality with which it has eclipsed my former reality. Shamefully self-centered and full of fear, waning with every hour, I was--but with infinite gentleness He has taught me to reach outside my own skin, to love a little more like Christ, to grasp the fact that I have been given everything and now belong to something Greater.  

A few paltry years we have been giving, and 'the world' would have us spend them in panic, in striving, in accumulating for ourselves--but true life, I've found. Released from the bondage of selfishness, we are free to love, to laugh, to give without worry. Gradually, I have begun to un-learn the mantras and mindsets we have learned to rationalize and even celebrate our cult of Self. I'm not there yet, but I have found the truth I sought and I won't let it go. 

Bottom line: finding joy, peace, and purpose is simple. I just have to get over myself and adore the Only Worthy One. 

Time to address that half-empty suitcase. Another 8,000 miles...Here we go! 

Grace and Peace to you all!! 

With love, 

 Sarah

Long time no post. I've been meaning to update this lately, but the days have slipped by quickly. 

The last three weeks have been spent in quiet routine, here at my Dad's. Up at 6:30 to make breakfast and coffee, housework, reading, study, and cooking during the day, and trying my best to be a companion and a comfort to my Dad when he returns from work around 7 or 8. 

Things have been deteriorating, of late. This morning, before my Dad had finished shaving, we received a frantic call from my Uncle Ahmed's wife, informing us that Ahmed's health had taken a serious turn for the worse and they were taking him to the hospital. He has lymphoma, and, when I saw him last week, was unable to sit up. Right after this news, we received word from the ICU where my grandmother has been staying--she was not doing well, either. At Dad's order, I pulled on my black abaya, grabbed my head scarf and followed him out the door, headed for her. 

We could hear the screams before we got to the ICU. I didn't expect to be as shaken as I was, but her grotesque and painful situation was heartbreaking to see. I don't know what hurt more--to see her, tied to the bed to prevent her struggling, screaming through her oxygen mask, or my father, helpless for once in his life, his tired red eyes rimmed with tears. 

My Uncle Mohammed brought me back home a few hours later. It's been about 5 hours since I left, as my dad headed for his office for a few hours and distractedly promised to "keep me posted." I don't know how my grandmother is doing. I don't know how my uncle is doing. I feel a good cry coming. 

I spent the first hour back home listening to Death Cab for Cutie and reading Ecclesiates. Some avoid that book like the plague, claiming it is "depressing"--but I found it to be a refuge. Because sometimes it is right to simply see things for how they are and to speak plain, un-tempered truth. In our lives, many of our questions will go unanswered. Much of our pain will be endured without any tangible comfort. Much of what we treasure will fade into meaninglessness. 

And I believe the only solution, the only hope, to be found on those days is to be reminded of God's Big-ness. As I read the ancient words of Solomon, I felt as if I was being gently rocked, tiny in Everlasting Arms, my doubts being strained away as I felt my existence shrink to its proper proportion in the view of such a Great One. So much meaninglessness. yes. But I know the Meaning Himself. And there is the eye of the storm. The center. The constant. He Is. I will fade, too. But He Is.  

"I perceived that, whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people would revere him. That which is, already has been; that which is to be, already has been." Ecclesiastes 3:14-15