Delicious Despair

I haven't written for a while...

Partly, this is due to the fact that the internet has been down for a while...

But mostly, it is because this last week was a very dark time for me.

I have decided to be vulnerable and place these thoughts before you, in the hope that someone might find encouragement in them...

I got sick--again. For several days my stomach hurt so much I could barely eat, and in addition, I got a nasty cold that left me wheezing, weepy-eyed, and, for a few days, barely able to speak.

I was also seized with another illness--acute homesickness. Visions of the beauty of my beloved autumn back home haunted me. I was filled with longing to see my family again, to feel safe and comfortable, to be reunited with so many friends I love and haven't seen for months.

I felt the demands of the physical, emotional, and spiritual realities here start to overwhelm me. My body was severly weakened, and my spirit, even more so. I felt useless in the face of so much suffering, and ashamed of my desire to return to my life of privelige. I felt myself fighting feelings of despair.

What I didn't realize, though, was that this week was a gift. These days of darkness were simply God's way of lavishing his grace on me.

You see, he loved me enough to break me.

All along, He has been longing to carry me in His arms, but I, in my pride, prefered to walk on my own.

And so he tripped me....

....so that he could break my fall.

And as I was plunged into my own weakness, I found myself sinking into grace.

His ever-fresh mercies envelope me more in my brokenness than I could ever experience in pride and self-sufficiency.

I am so thankful that he let me fall apart.

As I cracked and shattered, he bent near and whispered. . .

"Behold, I make all things new."