Greetings from Jerusalem! :)

Only have a few minutes to post a quick update.

The first few days of our trip have been amazing--floating in the Dead Sea, visiting Byzantine churches spread with ancient mosaics, eating falafel at least twice a day, and--my personal favorite so far--visiting Mt. Nebo, the moutaintop where Moses saw the Promise Land, and then died.

I can't describe the incredible feeling of standing up there, the sweeping valleys below covered in wispy fog and the glittering Dead Sea to my left. Directly below was barren, grey, a desert--but from the peak you could clearly sea the lush, green, precious Promise Land. Jerusalem, Jericho, the Jordan River--there it lay.

What must Moses have felt? An old man, having been through so much--the struggles, the anguish, the ecstasy he'd experienced--the intimacy with our God. The breeze spilled over my body as I trembled a little at the thought of YHWH, of the Almighty of Exodus--that is my God, and I can trust him and know him as Moses did. Tears filled my eyes as I thought of the sensation of seeing this land for the first time--after 40 years of waiting, of taking God at his Word--at last it was visible, tangible.

Am I willing to wait that long, to trust that much? My God is still faithful.

Went through two hours of hassel at the Israeli border because my of my father's last name--apparently we share a surname with some prominent guerillas. Oops.

Dipped my feet in the Jordan River and the Sea of Galilee...Tonight I am sleeping on the Mount of Olives, tomorrow I will spend the day in Jerusalem and Bethlehem. This has already been a very emotional week for me...God is so near, and so good. I can't wait to share more. But for now...I just wanted to say...

Merry Christmas!

Immanuel--God is with us.

His law is love, and his gospel is peace.

A New Adventure Begins

Spent the last 5 days here in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia with my father--mainly doing housework, helping him with hospital runs/taking care of my grandmother, and devouring every book in sight. (Fitzgerald, Woolf, Amy Tan, oh my!) 

I'm heading out in just a few hours for Amman, Jordan...from there, I'll meet up with the rest of my family (YAY!!) and we'll spend two weeks visiting Jerusalem, Bethlehem, Hebron, Ramallah, Petra, Wadi Rum...and the like. I'm so excited!! 

Don't know how much I'll be able to update/answer emails/etc. But isn't that the beauty of vacation? No one will really miss me, though--and that's okay. I hope you all enjoy your Christmas and New Year immensely!! Breathe in the blessing--the air is thick with grace. Bless one another, and give away what you wish you had. Joy, joy, joy--You are so loved. 

---November 11, 2009---

Lord, you astound me. I've had so much truth spoken into my life this past week--You are preparing to do something new, and I'm amazed and humbled and so, so thankful....Let it be done as you will. 

"For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable." Rom 11:29

---November 14, 2009---

I can't believe the countless ways you provide every single day...so intimate, you are. I can feel your breath on my neck as you count the hairs on my head. 

"And from Jesus' fullness we have all received, grace upon grace." John 1:16

---November 17, 2009---

Just read Revelation 21-22. I'm in tears at the majesty. Come, Lord Jesus!  

---November 20, 2009---

I was going to go do some work at the school this afternoon, but Abba kept me back. He wants me all to himself--fine with me! Let's talk, Lord...

---November 24, 2009---

Words cannot describe the beauty of this love...how deeply he speaks, how intimately and extravagantly he knows and nurtures me...All the things he's taught and shown me...

---November 26, 2009---

I feel a little guilty--I don't write as much as I should about my physical/material adventures and experiences here--every time I pick up this pen, all that floods out is prayer and praise! 

---November 28, 2009---

"For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome, for whoever has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that overcomes the world--our faith." 1 John 5:3-4 

Lord, I know I must begin each new day by begging on my wn behalf...so I plead for your Spirit anew, that you might strengthen and establish me in truth and love, that I may obey. I desire to love and honor you with my ALL, and you will not despise this prayer...you will come. 

---December 1, 2009---

"This is my body, which is broken for you..." Luke 22:19

Oh, Baba...my heart has become so calloused to the cross. How is it possible for me to be so indifferent to the unspeakable scandal of Golgotha? Cut me t o the heart, Baba--I am so misaligned. 

---December 3, 2009---

So many memories made here, Lord--such wonderful evenings spent with my girls. I've been adopted to yet another family--I'm going over for couscous this afternoon to make everything official....haha. 

---December 4, 2009---

"Glory in his holy name; 

Let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice! 

Seek the Lord and his strength; 

seek his presence continually!" Psalm 105:3-4 

---December 5, 2009---

"Do not be wise in your own eyes." Proverbs 3:7 

---December 7, 2009---

"The grace you had yesterday will not be sufficient for today...pray now...keep on drawing on the grace of God." Oswald Chambers. 

It's true, Lord...help me to maintain an open stream of grace between you and I...I'm sick again and so worn out...Let me finish strong, in your strength...Breathe in me, I feel so weak. 

But most of all, I thank you for these moments, that I learn to rely on you! 

---December 10, 2009---

...I don't know what to write, Lord. These pages couldn't hold the praises that you're due...this pen does not have the power to record all the ways you've loved and taught me here. These months have been an absolute gift...grace upon grace....If I've been able to serve, to bless others, I am humbled...but somehow I feel only like a spoiled princess, here, in your hand. 

Eyes can't see the way you hold me

Or how I'm hidden in your heart. 

Minds don't know all you have told me. 

Or how I ache for where you are...

It's invisible to the world. 

Incredible to the angels...

Not since Eden have they seen this sight, 

Everlasting life...

You are 

All over, 

You are 

Around 

You are 

Inside, 

This is life, 

This is life...

---October 23, 2009---

The Word is, in some ways, like manna, I think--I can't keep any over from yesterday--I must go out and gather my bread daily, lest I starve. 

Let me hunger for you more and more, Lord!

----October 24, 2009----

Wow, my stomach HURTS!....Can't eat. 

----October 26, 2009---

"For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in this present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works." Titus 2:11-14 

I re-read this verse at least 10 times. What grace! 

---October 27, 2009---

"It is not that you have gotten God, but he has gotten you...He will do with you what he never did before his call came to you, and he will do with you what he is not doing with other people. Let him have his way." -Oswald Chambers 

 God, how can I thank you enough for knowing me, for calling me? ...and you are unfolding your purposes in me. Me!

----October 30, 2009---

"For what great nation is there that has a god so near to it as the Lord our God is to us, whenever we call upon him?" Deut 4:7

---October 31, 2009---

"Beware lest one, when he hears the words of this sworn covenant, blesses himself in his heart, saying 'I shall be safe, though I walk in the stubbornness of my heart."Deut 29:19

---November 2, 2009---

This morning I just felt so miserable...my stomach was killing me, I couldn't stand up straight. Worse, though, was the homesickness...I actually went to my suitcase and put on my old AE blue jeans....it made me feel better, at least for a little while. 

"You are my hiding place..."

---November 4, 2009---

I spent the day with Rabab and Fadah again...what an absolute honor. Lord, I can't believe the way you've blessed these relationships...the girls are breathtaking, the families are so richly gracious...blessing, blessing, blessing! 

---November 6, 2009---

   Lord, some days I'm sure I'm the luckiest girl in the world. I'm yours, yours! So loved, so protected, so provided for...and what adventures we have! 

"Who am I, oh Lord God, that you have brought me thus far? And yet it was a small thing in your eyes, O Lord God." 2 Samuel 7

---October 8, 2009---

'"If you greet only your brothers and sisters, what more are you doing than others?" Matt 5:47

This verse says one thing to me: it's not acceptable to be the same as 'others'. I'm a member of an unseen kingdom, its borders defined by the steps of believers. We overthrow darkness and despair by kissing cheeks, holding our tongues, and giving our lives away lavishly.

 I must not blend in--for it is not I who live, but Christ within. 

----October 10, 2009----

'"Drudgery is the genuine test of character." -Oswald Chambers

Sad...lonely...discouraged...Baba. '

----October 13, 2009----

"All of God's revealed truths are sealed until they are opened us through obedience...it is not study that brings understanding to you, but obedience....God will never reveal more truth about himself until you have obeyed what you know already." --Oswald Chambers

"What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me--practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." Phil 4:9 

This is the surpassing greatness, my one desire: to have you near, my Lord. This is why I obey -- because I love nothing more than you! There is no greater prize. Help me love, obey, and honor you more with every hour..."

----October 15, 2009----

"Good morning, Lord!

 I love waking up in the cool or the morning, with the pale gold of the early sun awash around me, and feeling your smile upon me. Your love is so rich! You are so very near...what mercy...how far you stoop to kiss my dirty little face!" 

---October 17, 2009---

'If I feel like I'm scraping through the day in discomfort, it's only because I'm giving ear to my groaning flesh, which is wasting away in this place. My inner Christ, on the other hand, is perfectly at peace. Who will rule me?" 

---October 20, 2009---

"There is none like God, who rides through the heavens to your help, through the skies in his Majesty...the eternal God is your dwelling place, and underneath are everlasting arms." Deut 33:27

---October 22, 2009---

"Other seeds fell on good soil and produced grain, some ahundredfold, some sixty, some thirty." Matt 13:8 

  The difference between the good soil and the rest is the eventual outcome--the seedling disappears, or it produces a harvest. We don't grow and flourish for our own sake, but for God's harvest--"...he indeed bears fruit and yields..." 

Remembering. . .

What a journey the past months have been. 

I’m sitting here, now, in my father’s apartment in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia. The adventure will continue--I take off again in less than a week to Jordan, then to Palestine/Israel. God is very clearly at work this very hour, in this place, just as he was in Africa. I have not stopped hearing from Him, I have not stopped seeking him, even though I’m “home”, and he will continue to unfold glory upon glory. 



However, I still have much to process through...flipping through my journal, it takes my breath away to re-live those months with my new vantage point. God is so faithful and so rich in mercy! 

The next few days, I will post a few excerpts from my journal--a rather scuffed black leather notebook that contains ink imprints of some of my rawest moments. 

I feel God leading me to do this---to bring him glory by sharing some of what is written there. I do this out of obedience, not because I believe I possess any great wisdom, but quite the opposite--to show what a clown, what a ragamuffin, I am, and how lavishly my Father has rained down grace upon me. I hope it blesses you, if you chose to read and journey with me. :) 

So here it goes! 



----September 25, 2009----

 

‘Lord, I don’t know what you have in store for these next three months, but I pray that you’d help me to receive ALL of it...help me learn real trust. Help me to be humble--a servant to all, from this time forward. Help me to come to know your grace and love so intimately that I shed it like perfume on those around me. Help me never to hinder or grieve your Spirit...Take me, all of me...’



----September 28, 2009----

 

‘“If we are to be disciples of Jesus, we must be made disciples supernaturally...Jesus Christ is the only one who can fulfill the sermon on the Mount.” -Oswald Chambers 



 ‘Lord, I don’t stand a chance on my own. There is no doubt in my mind that I am incapable of loving, of serving, of obeying you without your grace and Spirit at work within me. Tear down whatever there is within me that would hinder your purposes in and through me...’” 

----September 30, 2009----

 

‘I am inwardly amused at how much responsibility I’ve been entrusted with here....who am I to be used in any of this? ’



-----October 2, 2009----



‘“You were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked...but God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been saved.” Ephesians 2:1-5 



 ‘Lord, help me to understand how truly good your ‘good news‘ is. Help me understand what I’ve been saved from...I was dead. Not ailing or unhappy. I was deceased...’



----October 8, 2009----

 

‘“For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake.” Phil 1:29” 


 

This is not romantic. I don’t feel like I’m living in some Stevenson novel today. The problem with real life adventures is you can’t take a break. You can’t close the book or leave the theater when you’re tired or sick or hungry. Today, I just feel weary, frazzled, lonely, and un-beautiful....Be my sufficiency, Lord...That’s all I ask today...sustain me.

 Help me shed another skin today. Help me grow in my spiritual stature. Help me become a little less addicted to comfort, more conformed to your spirit...don’t take away the trial, but help me become deeply aware of your power and purpose within this discomfort.’


----October 10, 2009----

 

‘“The Kingdom of God is not coming with signs...nor will they say, ‘here it is‘ or ‘there!'...for behold, the Kingdom of God is within you.” Luke 17:20 


Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I hate goodbyes...so I won't say it tonight.

I leave in 5 hours.

---------------------------------------

[text I got this morning from a student]

"Goodbye friend I hope to you good travels.
Thank you for everything. You are the best
teacher. I love you so much I will miss you.
We are not in the same place but we see the
same sky. Because of this I will see the sky
and remember the days I spent with you.
Thanks for everything. Bye."

--------------------------------------

[over tea this morning, from my adopted 'uncle' Talib]

"We hope to Allah that you will return to us soon.
This is your family, your tent now. You won't leave
us forever, I know that. You'll come back and we will
wait here for you. "

My heart must be in a thousand pieces, by now.

I am at a loss, once again, on what to share. It's been three months. To continue to write of the cultural experiences here, or the comedies that make up the day-to-day life here in this place, seems far too ordinary at this point.

Humble, that's where I am tonight.

Humbled by the honor God bestowed upon me when he called me here.

Humbled by the generosity and love of those who have supported me in so many ways.

Humbled by the lavish provision of God--so unmistakably personal, intimate, and undeserved.

Humbled by the night sky I can see from my place here, hung like a robe, thick with jewels, across the heavens.

Humbled by the way my 'brother', Sidahmed, gingerly rubbed my hands a few minutes ago, concerned about my 'cold fingers.'

Humbled by the way God turns my weaknesses into something whole and true.

Humbled by the way my Saharawi friends have brought me close in the most everday and extraordinary moments of their lives.

Humbled by the ways my friends have taught me to celebrate what's real, and disregard the rest.

Humbled to think about where I've come from...

Humbled to consider where I'll go.

Humbled by this peace He's given me, found here, in His hand.

Two days left, and my heart wants to go numb. But instead, it will break some more.

Because He bled, too.

Be still.

Understanding how small you are is an art....

....and a gift.

Eid el Adha, pt 2

...After the prayer, Shebab and I hurried home. I was greeted by my 'uncle' Abdrabu, who was sharpening knives, a look of eagerness on his face. It was time to slaughter the goat.

As the family finished the final preparations for the sacrifice, I bit my lip and continued my three-day-long debate: would I stay to watch the act, or would I retreat to my room and muffle my ears? I've been known to grow faint at the sight of blood, and I didn't know how I would handle watching an animal suffer--especially after the goat had spent the night outside the tent, bleating pitifully.

As I deliberated, I heard a scuffle across the street and glanced over just in time to see our neighbors' goat meet his end. Shaken, I figured I might as well stay and join my family in the ritual. My motivation was primarily spiritual, not cultural--the sacrifice is meant to commemorate God's provision of a ram to save the life of Ibrahim's (Abraham's) son. The concept of blood sacrifice and God's provision of a replacement is so central to the true story of the Bible, and I had yet to gain a real, tangible understanding of this very gruesome theme. I have been seeking to greater understand Calvary--and here was a valuable opportunity.

So, I gripped my sister Tigera's arm as I watched the men drag out the poor creature, hobbled and spotless white (this detail was not lost on me). I braced myself as they forced it to the ground, and soon jumped back as blood spurted in my direction...

After the deed was done, the family went to work on preparing the meat, and I broke away to bury myself in Isaiah 53 for a few minutes....

"He was wounded for our transgressions....
the Lord laid on him the iniquity of us all.
Like a lamb led to slaughter....
By knowledge of him shall many be counted as righteous
...because he poured out his soul to death."

(God...let our awe of this only grow...let us never grow numb to the supreme price of your rich grace)

As the morning wore on, our sisters burst into the room and announced it was time to enter the tent and receive visitors--but first, we must finish our beauty routine. I managed to escape the traditonal layers of khol eyeliner, but they insisted that I allow some make up. Once I was pronounced acceptable, I joined the family in the tent.

On this day, families live as lavishly as they can afford, passing around glass after glass of delicious sweet tea, dousing their guests in perfume and passing around coals sprinkled with incense. Family members showered each other with kisses, wishing one another a blessed Eid and asking one another for forgiveness. The atmosphere of joy and warmth was truly beautiful--as were the multicolored mehlfas and dra'as they wore.

After a lunch of (very fresh) goat meat, fruit (a special treat), potatoes, and Coca Cola, we dispersed to rest or visit neighbors. A few hours later, we stuffed ourselves into several ancient, borrowed cars and took off for the dunes. We turned off the road and bumped along in the rusty sedans over rocks and sand until we reached our destination--safely, to my mild surprise.

We spread out mats on the soft ground for a picnic of tea and goat kebab, cooked over coals in the sand. We climbed the dunes barefoot, laughing as we tripped and sank on the steep inclines. After watching the sunset, we drove back home--only delayed for 20 minutes when one car sank into a drift of powdery sand.

The night was finished off with more tea and visitors--I slept at 1:30, but several family members did not return until after dawn the next morning.

And that was only the first day. :)

The next two days--well, I won't try to elaborate, but they were some of the most beautiful I've enjoyed on this trip. I spent all the daylight hours trekking from neighborhood to neighborhood, visiting friends, family, and students. The universal atmosphere of peace, goodwill, and joy was such a blessing to me. At every tent I met with the warmest of welcomes, glass after glass of tea, inquiries after the health of myself and my family, and blessings and encouragement on all sides. We shared meals together, we laughed and gossiped. We asked one another for forgiveness--a common theme during this feast. We pressed one another to eat more, and complimented each other on the beautiful make up and clothes we wore. My friends and I spent several hours just ambling through the neighborhood, enjoying the greetings and blessings of those we met on the street.

I can hardly express the beauty of this culture--where nothing is seen as "mine", but everything is "ours". Where the only way to offend a family is by not visiting enough, or not accepting enough of their food or gifts. True generosity and joy--and from people so many Westerners would ignorantly pity if they heard only of their suffering. Yes, they suffer and lack--but, I've found, this 'fact' does not constrain or define them, but rather, they overcome it by clinging to their God and their loved ones, counting these things as the greatest treasure of all. And in this, they are rich.

And so I thank God every day for my new family and friends, who have enriched me so truly.

Eid el Adha (pt. 1)

I promised to share some of my experiences from the recent Eid-el-Adha...so I will try and do so in the brief time I have to type this up...

Eid el Adha is a three day feast that takes place at the end of the holy month of Hajj in Ramadan. The weeks leading up to it are saturated with anticipation--families search tirelessly for the best dra'as and mehlfas to wear, prepare a choice goat (or goats) to slaughter, welcome home visiting relatives, and scour the meager markets for the best dates, cakes, and produce to serve in celebration.

I was given two very nice mehlfas to wear, one by my family and one by a concerned student, who handed it to me and sternly asked, "Now teacher, you're going to wear make up and jewelry too, right?" The night before Eid everyone was grinning and giddy, reminding me repeatedly, "It's Eid tomorrow!"

I awoke early to a cold, pomegranate sunrise. (It is in the 40s in the morning here, with no heat apart from the small cluster of coals we use to make tea). Shivering a bit, I put on my nicest mehfla and joined my sister, Shebab, on her way to elsalat--the community prayer.

It was beautiful. We gathered outdoors in the crisp morning, bright-eyed, all dressed in our "gay apparel". We greeted each other with "Have a blessed Eid" and "Please forgive me for anything I've done against you." I joined hundreds of Saharawi in prostrating in the sand at the call of "God is the Greatest!". There is something deeply meaningful in the act--it is so right to bow my face into the sand while murmuring of God's greatness.

Reverence--that is something that is alive and well here, and something I've found sadly lacking in much of the American-Christian psyche. After all, it's the fear of the Lord that is the begininng of wisdom, and this is just one of many things that we ought to learn from our Muslim brothers and sisters. Undeniably, in Christ we have inexhaustible grace and forgiveness--but I've seen so many people miss the real picture. Jesus Christ is not only the Good Shepherd, but the Alpha and the Omega. Our view of God is often so stunted and skewed. Truly, any soul that catches even a glimpse of God's majesty would never trample on the holy cross in the name of 'grace'. Instead, in humility and awe, we would fall silent in gratitude at the cosmic paradox of an infinite God showing us infinite mercy. That is grace, and it should split our very souls...we ought to all throw our faces to the ground every now and then.

(Well that was a rabbit trail...I will have to continue with my story tomorrow. :) )